Loving someone battling addiction can feel like walking a tightrope. You care deeply for them and want to help. But the emotional strain, broken trust, and unpredictable behaviors can take a toll. Many people in relationships with addicts struggle to balance offering support with setting boundaries that protect their mental and emotional health. Millions of people in the U.S. have at least one addiction, and their struggles ripple through their relationships and impact everyone around them.
At First Steps Recovery, we understand the complexities of these challenges. That’s why we work closely with our clients and their loved ones in a collaborative approach to healing. Together, we focus on building healthier relationships, addressing the impact of addiction, and equipping families with tools to set boundaries that foster recovery for everyone involved.
Whether you’re navigating feelings of guilt, anger, or helplessness, remember that loving someone with an addiction doesn’t mean sacrificing your well-being. Boundaries are essential not just for you but the addicted person in your life. They often create the structure needed for meaningful recovery.
Common Feelings That Come With Loving an Addict
Loving someone struggling with addiction can stir up overwhelming emotions. Many people wrestle with a mix of love, frustration, sadness, and guilt. Recognizing these emotions is crucial for understanding and healing.
Feelings of helplessness are common in this situation. Watching a loved one battle addiction can leave you feeling powerless. Addiction is complex and requires more than willpower to overcome. Anger often accompanies helplessness, whether it’s anger at the person, the addiction, or yourself for not being able to fix the situation.
Feelings of abandonment are also common, as it can feel like the addiction matters more to your loved one than the relationship with you. This can leave you feeling hurt and isolated. Longing for the addict’s “old self” can create a profound sense of loss.
Addiction’s unpredictability can make you feel constantly on edge. Mood swings and volatility can leave you cautious, always bracing for the next difficult moment. This constant vigilance can be exhausting and make it hard to feel safe or relaxed within the relationship.
Enabling: The Worst Way to Love an Addict
Loving someone with addiction often leads to wanting to help, but sometimes these efforts can unintentionally enable the addiction. Enabling happens when you shield your loved one from the consequences of their actions, which may feel protective but often makes it harder for them to seek help.
Ignoring the addiction can seem easier than addressing it, especially when conflict arises. But avoiding the addiction allows it to persist. Making excuses for their behavior (like covering for their missed responsibilities or justifying actions) removes accountability and reinforces harmful patterns.
Avoiding confrontation about destructive behaviors, such as stealing or neglecting loved ones, might seem like keeping the peace. But this action often allows these behaviors to worsen over time. Providing financial support, housing, or taking on their responsibilities that are affected by their addiction can prevent them from facing the impact of their addiction. Recognizing enabling behaviors is vital to helping your loved one work toward recovery.
How to Support Someone with an Addiction
Supporting a loved one with an addiction can be challenging, but it’s crucial for their recovery. Knowing how to approach the situation with care and understanding can make a significant difference.
Educate Yourself About Addiction
Understanding addiction as a complex disease can help you approach the situation with more empathy. Learn about its psychological and physical impacts, as well as the recovery process.
Take Care of Yourself
Supporting someone with an addiction can take a toll on your physical and mental health. Prioritize self-care, eat well, exercise, and seek support when you need it.
Join a Support Group
Groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon can connect you with others who understand what you’re going through. Sharing experiences and learning coping strategies can be incredibly helpful.
Don't Cover Up for Their Behavior
It might feel like you’re protecting your addicted loved one by making excuses or cleaning up after their mistakes. But this can lead to codependency and prevent them from recognizing the consequences of their actions.
Ask Open Questions
Encourage honest conversations by asking thoughtful, open-ended questions. Show empathy and avoid criticism, creating a safe space where they feel understood.
Be Honest but Kind About Your Concerns
Share your feelings and worries in a straightforward yet compassionate way. Let them know you care about their well-being and want to see them thrive.
Maintain Your Own Boundaries with Substances
If you choose not to use substances, make that clear and stick to it. Being consistent sets an example and protects your own health.
Voice Your Concerns Safely and Constructively
Approach difficult conversations with care. Avoid rushing or overwhelming them, and ensure your words are free of judgment. The goal is to express concern, not blame.
Encourage Professional Help
Gently suggest they seek guidance from a counselor, therapist, or addiction specialist. Suggest helping them explore treatment options or going with them to appointments if they feel nervous about starting the process.
Avoid Ultimatums
While setting boundaries is essential, issuing ultimatums can create unnecessary pressure and defensiveness. Focus on collaboration and expressing concern instead of making demands.
Be Patient
Recovery is not a linear process, and setbacks can happen. Showing patience and resilience demonstrates your unwavering support even during the addict’s difficult times.
Recognize Progress, No Matter How Small
Celebrate your loved one’s efforts and milestones, even if they seem minor. Encouraging progress through positive reinforcement can inspire them to keep making healthy decisions.
Remember That They Have to Help Themselves
As much as you want to help, recovery ultimately depends on your loved one’s willingness to take the necessary steps. Encourage them, but don’t take on responsibility for their actions.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are guidelines that define how you expect to be treated and what behavior you are willing to accept in a relationship. They are essential when supporting someone with addiction, as they protect your well-being while encouraging accountability and promoting healthier interactions.
Physical Boundaries
These involve your personal space and physical interactions. For example, you may choose not to allow substance use or disruptive behaviors in your home.
Emotional Boundaries
Boundaries of this type safeguard your mental health by defining how much emotional energy you’re willing to give in unhealthy dynamics. It’s okay to step away from conversations that feel overly draining or manipulative.
Financial Boundaries
Set clear limits on financial support, ensuring your resources are not enabling the addiction. For instance, you can offer to buy your loved one groceries instead of giving them cash.
Time Boundaries
Be mindful of how much time you devote to supporting your loved one versus maintaining your own commitments. Communicate your availability and don’t neglect your priorities.
Material Boundaries
Decide what possessions or resources you are comfortable sharing. For example, you may let them borrow a music player but not your car.
Setting boundaries requires clear communication and consistency. Use calm, assertive language like, “I’m here to support your recovery, but I can’t tolerate behaviors that disrupt our home.” Boundaries foster trust and mutual respect while giving your loved one space to take responsibility for their actions.
When you set boundaries, it’s essential to stick to them and take action if they’re crossed. People struggling with addiction may test or ignore these limits, especially if they’re still using substances. Establish clear consequences (such as restricting access to your home, cutting off financial support, or involving authorities) if necessary to protect your well-being and hold them accountable.
What Is Detachment and How Do You Detach with Love?
Detachment with love means separating yourself emotionally from your loved one’s addiction while still caring for them. It’s about maintaining your own well-being without enabling their behavior. Tough love involves enforcing strict consequences, while setting boundaries focuses on protecting your own well-being. It’s important not to weaponize love through withdrawing it, as this can drive them toward using more.
Withdrawing love can cause immense pain and may push your loved one further into addiction. Instead, focus on setting healthy boundaries and offering support without enabling their behavior. Detaching with love means saying, “I love you and want to see you recover, but I can’t enable your addiction or sacrifice my well-being.” This approach encourages accountability while maintaining compassion.
Healing is Possible at First Steps Recovery
At First Steps Recovery, we understand that addiction impacts not only the person struggling but also their loved ones. Our compassionate team is here to guide you through the recovery process with a focus on the whole person. Our work addresses the physical, emotional, and relational effects of addiction. We offer a variety of evidence-based treatment programs tailored to each person’s needs, helping them build a strong foundation for lasting recovery.
You never have to travel this journey alone. Reach out today to learn how we can support you and your loved one in working toward a healthier, brighter future.
Dr. Curl is the Medical Director and primary on-site provider for First Steps Recovery. He is a Board Certified Internist and Addiction Medicine Specialist having attended the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA and completing his residency at Mount Auburn Hospital with Harvard Medical School. Following several years work as an internist and physiatrist (physical medicine and rehabilitation). Dr. Curl completed the Addiction Medicine Fellowship at Howard University in Washington DC and participated as a RAM Scholar (Research in Addiction Medicine). While part of the fellowship, Dr. Curl pursued research investigating the barriers to expanding and improving medication for opioid use disorder. Following his fellowship, Dr. Curl spearheaded the Opiate Use Disorder outpatient clinic and worked in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences within the Howard University Hospital. In 2023, Dr. Curl completed his Board Certification in Addiction Medicine.
