When someone you love is suffering, it’s natural to want to help. But when that suffering is caused by depression, the support your partner needs may not be obvious or easy to give. Depressive disorders can strain even the healthiest relationships. This isn’t due to a lack of love, but because the illness has a way of distorting thoughts, moods, and behaviors.
If your partner is struggling with depression, you may feel confused, frustrated, helpless, or even rejected. You might be wondering what the right thing to say is, whether you’re doing enough or too much, and how to preserve your own well-being in the process. The good news is that you can help, and your support truly does make a difference.
What is Depression?
While some people may think that being depressed is just being sad, that is very much not the case. Depression is a serious mental health condition that affects how a person thinks, feels, and behaves.
While everyone can feel “down in the dumps” from time to time, people with depression may feel that way for extended periods of time for seemingly no reason, to the point where it directly interferes with their ability to go about their daily lives and even complete basic tasks.
Signs and Symptoms of Depression
Since depression can often be confused with sadness, it can be difficult for those close to someone suffering from depression to recognize and identify the issue (especially if the person suffering can’t or doesn’t want to articulate how they are feeling). Knowing what to look for can help you better understand what they are going through, as well as be able to better help them.
Common signs and symptoms of depression include:
- Emotional symptoms: Persistent sadness, hopelessness, guilt, or irritability
- Cognitive symptoms: Trouble concentrating, indecisiveness, or negative self-talk
- Behavioral symptoms: Withdrawal from social activities, loss of interest in things they once enjoyed
- Physical symptoms: Fatigue, changes in sleep patterns, appetite changes, or unexplained aches and pains
While these may be the most common symptoms of depression, it’s important to remember that depression can look different in different people. On the outside, someone with depression may seem perfectly normal while suffering internally, while others may show distinct visible signs of depression.
Types of Depressive Disorders
There are different types of depression, such as:
- Major Depressive Disorder: Characterized by persistent and intense episodes of depression that interfere with daily life, this is one of the most common forms of depression.
- Persistent Depressive Disorder: Also known as dysthymia, persistent depressive disorder is a chronic form of depression lasting at least two years. While this form of depression may not be as severe as major depressive disorder, the symptoms can last for a longer period.
- Bipolar Disorder: This includes episodes of depression alternating with periods of mania or hypomania.
- Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): This subtype of depression typically occurs in the winter months when sunlight is limited, the symptoms can range from fatigue to severe depressive episodes. It can also occur in sunny seasons, but frequently for different reasons.
- Postpartum Depression: A type of depression that affects new parents (particularly mothers) after childbirth, this type of depression often includes intense sadness, anxiety, and fatigue that may interfere with the ability to care for the baby.
How Depression Can Affect a Relationship
As we mentioned earlier, depression doesn’t just affect the person suffering, it can affect those closest to the person as well. In romantic relationships specifically, the effects can be particularly painful and confusing.
Emotional Swings and Mood Instability
Depression can cause irritability, frustration, or sudden mood swings. As a result, your partner may be emotionally distant one day while being deeply sensitive the next. While this unpredictability can be exhausting and confusing, it’s important to remember that these behaviors aren’t being done on purpose. It reflects nothing personal about you. They may lash out, but it likely has nothing to do with anything you did and has more to do with what they are battling in their own head.
Withdrawal and Isolation
A hallmark symptom of depression is social withdrawal. Your partner may stop engaging in conversations, lose interest in shared activities, or prefer to be alone for long periods. It’s important to not take this personally. While to you this may feel like rejection, it’s often a result of the overwhelming feelings they are experiencing.
Isolation can also get worse the longer the depression goes on. The more a depressed person withdraws, the more disconnected they may feel, and the harder it may seem to reach out or reconnect.
Personalizing Symptoms of Depression
Far too often, someone with a depressed partner will take their symptoms personally. They may take their partner’s depressive symptoms as a sign of dissatisfaction with the relationship, feel like they aren’t doing enough to help their partner, or question if they are the cause of the unhappiness.
It’s important to remember that depression is an illness and not a reflection of a relationship or a partner’s worth. Learning not to take symptoms personally is a crucial step in supporting your partner and preserving your own emotional balance. It also helps to remind yourself (and them) that you’re on the same team, facing the illness together.
How to Support Someone with Depression
Practice Self-Care
- Getting enough sleep
- Eating nutritious meals
- Staying active through exercise or walking
- Maintaining hobbies and personal interests
- Staying connected with your own support system
- Maintaining your own mental health, whether through individual therapy or a support group
Encourage Open and Nonjudgmental Communication
Let your partner know that, while you are there to listen, you also aren’t there to try and fix everything. You can say things like, “I’m here whenever you want to talk, no pressure.” Another option is: “I may not fully understand what you’re feeling, but I want to support you.”
Regardless of how you phrase it, it’s important to encourage them to share their feelings in a way that is comfortable for them. Instead of trying to give unsolicited advice or saying phrases that are “supposed” to help, try to ask open-ended questions that show genuine curiosity and interest in their experience.
Practice Active Listening
- Making eye contact (if appropriate)
- Mindfully setting aside distractions, like your phone
- Nodding or affirming without interrupting
- Reflecting what they’re saying back to them
Work to Understand Where They Are
Take time to educate yourself about depression so you can have a better understanding of what your partner is going through. Books, reputable websites, mental health-themed podcasts, and even documentaries can provide insight into what your partner may be feeling and experiencing. Understanding depression from an outside point of view can deepen empathy and reduce the chances of miscommunication.
Encourage and Celebrate Small Wins
Depression can make even basic tasks, such as showering or getting out of bed, feel monumental. Acknowledging these moments in a way that doesn’t come across as patronizing can help reinforce progress without adding pressure.
Support Efforts To Heal
Remember that your partner must take ownership of their mental health journey. It’s not possible for you to cure them of depression or take that journey for them. But your support and encouragement can play a critical role in them getting the help they need. In providing support, remember that healing is rarely linear. There will be good days and bad days when someone is battling depression. Be patient when they’re experiencing setbacks. Help to reinforce the idea that healing is a process, not a single quick fix.
Learn More About Depression and Receive Treatment at First Steps Recovery
Helping a depressed partner is a journey of love, patience, and growth. While it isn’t always easy, and it doesn’t come with a one-size-fits-all solution, it also isn’t something you have to do alone. Whether you’re looking for guidance, therapy options, or a safe place to begin healing together, our compassionate team at First Steps Recovery is here to help.
Contact us today to learn how we can support you and your partner in navigating depression and general mental health.
Dr. Curl is the Medical Director and primary on-site provider for First Steps Recovery. He is a Board Certified Internist and Addiction Medicine Specialist having attended the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA and completing his residency at Mount Auburn Hospital with Harvard Medical School. Following several years work as an internist and physiatrist (physical medicine and rehabilitation). Dr. Curl completed the Addiction Medicine Fellowship at Howard University in Washington DC and participated as a RAM Scholar (Research in Addiction Medicine). While part of the fellowship, Dr. Curl pursued research investigating the barriers to expanding and improving medication for opioid use disorder. Following his fellowship, Dr. Curl spearheaded the Opiate Use Disorder outpatient clinic and worked in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences within the Howard University Hospital. In 2023, Dr. Curl completed his Board Certification in Addiction Medicine.
