Making amends is a widely known part of recovery, especially in 12-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). It’s often seen as a key step toward rebuilding family relationships and repairing harm caused during active addiction.
However, there are situations where making amends is not appropriate, or where doing so could cause more harm than good. Understanding when not to make amends in recovery is important for protecting emotional safety, heeding legal boundaries, and fostering well-being in the long term.
What Making Amends Really Means
In recovery, making amends means taking responsibility for the harm a person has caused while using substances and trying to repair that harm when possible. This is different from just saying “I’m sorry.”
Step 9 of AA says to “make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” That last part is really important. Sometimes, making amends can actually cause more problems.
The difference between an apology and making amends is that an apology is just words expressing regret. Making amends involves actions that try to fix what was broken
For example, if a person stole money, an apology would be saying, “I’m sorry I took your money.” Making amends would be paying the money back and committing not to steal again.
When Not to Make Amends and Why
There are several situations where making direct amends might not be the best choice. The 12 steps themselves recognize this by including the phrase “except when to do so would injure them or others.”
Here are some situations when a person might want to reconsider making direct amends:
When it Could Harm the Other Person
Sometimes reaching out to someone can reopen emotional wounds or trigger trauma. This is especially true if:
- The person has specifically asked for no contact
- They’re currently dealing with mental health issues
- The relationship involved abuse or severe trauma
- They’re in active recovery themselves
In these cases, the desire to make amends could actually hurt the other person more. Their healing and boundaries should come first.
When Legal Issues are Involved
Sometimes reaching out to someone can reopen emotional wounds or trigger trauma. This is especially true if:
- The person has specifically asked for no contact
- They’re currently dealing with mental health issues
- The relationship involved abuse or severe trauma
- They’re in active recovery themselves
In these cases, the desire to make amends could actually hurt the other person more. Their healing and boundaries should come first.
When Legal Issues are Involved
- Stealing or damaging property
- Driving under the influence
- Fraud or financial crimes
- Assault or other violent acts
- Legal consequences: Arrest, charges, or jail time
- Financial penalties: Lawsuits or restitution payments
- Employment problems: Loss of job or professional license
When the Person’s Own Recovery is Fragile
Early recovery can be an emotional roller coaster. If a person is unstable in their sobriety, making difficult amends might put them at risk of relapse.
Signs a person might not be ready to make amends include:
- Frequent cravings or thoughts of using
- Lack of a support system or sponsor guidance
- Extreme feelings of anxiety, depression, or mood swings
- Less than 90 days sober
The timing of amends matters. There’s no rush — a person can work on strengthening their recovery first.
Alternative Ways to Make Amends
When direct amends aren’t possible or appropriate, there are still options. These alternatives can be meaningful ways to take responsibility without causing harm.
Living Amends
- Being consistently honest (“I used to lie”)
- Being reliable and present (“I were absent before”)
- Managing finances responsibly (“I used to be irresponsible with money”)
- Treating others with respect (“I was disrespectful in the past”)
Anonymous Acts of Service
Sometimes a person can make indirect amends through service to others or the community. This might look like:
- Volunteering at organizations related to the harm the person caused
- Donating to relevant charities
- Helping others in recovery
- Community service
These acts don’t require contact with the person who was harmed, but still allows the person to give back in a meaningful way.
Writing Unsent Letters
Writing a letter the person plans to never send can be therapeutic and help to process feelings about past harm. In this letter, the person can:
- Acknowledge specifically what they did wrong
- Take full responsibility without excuses
- Express how they’ve changed
- Outline what they would do to make it right if they could
This exercise helps the person clarify their thoughts and feelings, even if the other person never sees it.
Checking Motives Behind Making Amends
Before making any amends, it’s important to examine why the person wants to do it. Sometimes reasons might not be as pure and well-intentioned as the person thinks.
Questions I can ask myself:
- Am I doing this to feel better about myself?
- Am I hoping to be given forgiveness or a specific response?
- Am I respecting the other person’s boundaries?
- Could this cause more harm than good?
If the person is honest with themselves, they might realize some amends are more about relieving personal guilt than truly helping the other person. In those cases, the person may need to reconsider my approach. A sponsor or therapist can help the person sort through these questions. They provide an outside perspective that can help a person see their blind spots.
Respecting Boundaries in the Amends Process
Respecting boundaries is crucial when considering amends. If someone has made it clear they don’t want contact with the addicted person, pushing for a conversation about amends may violate their boundaries.
Signs that someone may not want contact with a person in recovery include:
- Explicitly asking for no contact
- Not responding to messages
- Blocking the person on social media or phone
- Having family members of the wronged person ask the addicted person to stay away
If these signs are present, the most respectful action might be to honor their wish for distance. This puts their needs before the addicted person’s desire for closure.
Frequently Asked Questions About Making Amends
When is it appropriate to revisit making amends in the future?
It may be appropriate to revisit making amends when circumstances have changed significantly, such as when the person’s recovery is more stable or when the other person has had time to heal. More often than not, the wronged person should be granted the power to initiate that conversation.
How do I respond if my sponsor suggests making amends when I believe it could cause harm?
It’s possible to explain specific concerns clearly and ask to discuss alternative approaches to making amends. If needed, the person in recovery can seek a second opinion from a therapist or other mental health professional who specializes in addictions.
What are living amends and how do they work?
Living amends are ongoing changes in behavior that demonstrate commitment to recovery and personal growth, rather than one-time conversations or apologies. It can serve as a healthy alternative to making traditional amends if to do so would potentially harm the wronged person.
How can I tell if I'm avoiding amends out of fear or for legitimate reasons?
Legitimate reasons focus on preventing harm to others, while fear-based avoidance usually centers on personal discomfort. Discussing the process with a recovery professional can help clarify true motivations and help with clarifying personal steps.
Finding Support for Your Recovery Journey
Recovery is a personal journey, and each decision about amends should be made carefully. Whether through direct conversations, living amends, or alternative approaches, what matters most is the commitment to responsible, ethical recovery. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to making amends. What matters is considering the impact of one’s actions on others and continuing the process of personal recovery from addiction.
At First Steps Recovery, we understand that navigating the amends process can be challenging. Our clinical team provides guidance tailored to individual situations, and can help people seeking sobriety determine when, how, or if to make amends. Our group therapy groups can provide support and insight from other people who may have gone through the same process.
Contact us today at First Steps Recovery for compassionate guidance through your recovery journey. We’re happy to help you through the journey.
Dr. Curl is the Medical Director and primary on-site provider for First Steps Recovery. He is a Board Certified Internist and Addiction Medicine Specialist having attended the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA and completing his residency at Mount Auburn Hospital with Harvard Medical School. Following several years work as an internist and physiatrist (physical medicine and rehabilitation). Dr. Curl completed the Addiction Medicine Fellowship at Howard University in Washington DC and participated as a RAM Scholar (Research in Addiction Medicine). While part of the fellowship, Dr. Curl pursued research investigating the barriers to expanding and improving medication for opioid use disorder. Following his fellowship, Dr. Curl spearheaded the Opiate Use Disorder outpatient clinic and worked in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences within the Howard University Hospital. In 2023, Dr. Curl completed his Board Certification in Addiction Medicine.
